Psychadelic
by Aporro
Summary: Fortune telling and Hector just doesn't mix. But we're trying anyways. Flames are accepted with joy. Inlcudes severe amounts of Heath stalking.


Oh dear. This was supposed to be part of The Tales of Eliwood and Company, but it was long enough to change into a full fledged ficlet. However, I really don't feel like writing on, so this will probably stay a one-shot.

Disclaimer: Well. If Hector knew what I was doing to him, he would string me up by the Celiac Plexus. So, um, no. I don't own Fire Emblem.

* * *

Hector suddenly sat up in bed and yelled, "Homfgihavemadpsychicskillz." He had the strangest dream; a miniature Eliwood was taking away a little girl with long blue hair, which just HAD to be his daughter. I mean the blue hair chromosome is the dominant gene! It just has to be, cause he was so awesome and manly, right?

But anyways, Hector first babbled to himself about the greatness of finally getting rid of Hannah and appointing himself as the only person able to give auguries in the camp. Now he could pay himself 60 gold! Hector figured this was a great way to earn money, and as he plotted on about how many Wolf Beils he could buy with that, a part of his brain was nudging him on to something important he forgot about.

His face changed from spazztic-with-glee to oh-noes in a fleeting instant as he made the connection his brain was telling him to: If the blue haired girl was his daughter, the mini-Eliwood had to be Eliwood's son! Therefore, Eliwood's son would be taking away his daughter (who no doubt would be incredibly precious to him) away from him! And that was something Hector did not like, so he jumped out of bed, somehow with all his armor on, and stomped outside his tent to go and find Eliwood.

The whole camp was in turmoil of some kind, as usual. Wil was trying to get Rath to teach him how to ride, and poor Rath looked like he wanted to be with anyone but the archer.

"Hey Rath I thought since we have some free time this afternoon you can teach me how to ride a horse and shoot from it ya know?"

"…"

"Because horses for some reason don't like me my dad said it was because I talked too much but I don't think that's the reason because I think he just doesn't UNDERSTAND me and my thirst for someone else to understand me through communication right?"

"…"

"See I knew you would understand because you're like that not like my dad at all because you're cool and you understand these things and besides I think that horse was a big meanie anyways because it always threw me off."

"…"

"And now I've got a perpetual fear of horses because every time I get near one I'm afraid that it'll kick me because I've been kicked by horses lots of times but that was when I was a kid and my mass wasn't that big so I didn't die or anything of course if I did then I wouldn't be here—Hey! Rath! Where you going?"

Hector shuddered. Rath had the personality of a wall. Fortunately for Wil, he also had the patience of one. If Hector was in Rath's shoes, he would have strangled Wil a few months ago. As he was trying to find Eliwood, a certain green n' white haired Wyvern Rider ran into him, looking as frightened as Florina next to Hector himself of something that was seemingly in the bush next to him.

"Uh, sorry about that Lord Hector, m-my fault entirely." Heath stuttered an apology to Lord Hector, still staring at that bush.

Hector raised an eyebrow. "Watch where yer going next time." But by this time Heath seemingly forgot all about Hector, because he was screaming at the bush.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, GO AWAY!!!" Poor Heath seemed close to tears.

"Aw, c'mon, you know you want me." Suddenly, the purple haired thief we know and occasionally love popped out with a smug grin on his face.

"N-No!!! Get away from me!!!" Heath stomped off, on the edge of hysteria.

Legault shook his head solemnly. "Shame. Ah well." As he left to stalk Heath some more, he gave a jaunty wave to Hector. "G'morning Lord Hector!"

Hector blinked, ignored it, and forgot about the whole thing.

Poor unsuspecting Eliwood was chatting up a flustered-looking Ninian when Hector came charging out of the blue.

"ELLLLLIWOOOOOOOD!!!" Hector stole Dart's berserker mask from when it was happily resting on Dart's face and stuck it on his own face, completely ignoring poor Dart who was screaming about how his honor was gone and he could never return to the fighting ring again.

Eliwood forgot about Ninian for a split second, and that was enough for the dancer to scamper off (for she has rather high speed stats) into the protection of her little brother. "Hey Hector! What's up?" Eliwood gave Hector a cheery little wave and an innocent smile upon seeing Hector, but Hector was not fooled. Oh no.

"ELI MAKE BABIES THAT TAKE HECTOR'S BABIES. STOP MAKE BABIES. HECTOR CRUSH ELI IF ELI MAKE BABIES." Hector was fuming with anger and testosterone and general vacancy of the head. And nearby, Bartre cried with envy.

"W-What? But it's my duty to make babies! I need to make an heir so he will overthrow Zephiel-the-King-of-Bern!" Eliwood took a few steps back from Hector. He knew what Hector could do when he was angry. Why did the dinosaurs die? Hector was looking for his other sock.

"NO BABIES."

"But—"

"NO."

"I—"

"NO."

"Wh—"

"NO!"

Eliwood jumped up and down with frustration. "I never get to do anything fun!!! I hate you!!!" Then he turned around, tripped on his cape, picked himself up, grumbled, went inside his tent, and slammed the door. Not that I possibly know how a piece of fabric can slam properly.

Hector shook his head wisely for all to see, because for some STRANGE AND UNKNOWN REASON there were rumors fluttering around the camp that he was a tad on the dim side. Pshaw! Him? Dumb? Banish the thought! But to be on the safe side, he shook his head wisely just in case. Though, speaking of safe sides, what if his psychic powuhs failed? He would definitely need a reliable backup to stand by him to make sure that he was ALWAYS right.

"Hmm, who would make a good psychic sidekick? (AN: Hay, look that rhymes!) Nils? Ninian? Hannah???" As Hector pondered, a flash of ominous neon green robes fluttered by.

"NEVAR FEAR!!! YOUR TRUSTY TACTICIAN IS HERE!!!" Hector's trusty Tactician, AKA Ori, jumped out of another handily-placed-bush and stuck a finger in Hector's face.

"Did I hear you need a psychic sidekick? Because I've always wanted to be a psychic when I grow up! Well, actually I wanted to be a psychiatrist, but they sound pretty similar, so I guess this'll be good practice!" Ori beamed.

Hector slapped Ori's finger away and scowled. "As if. Everything you can do I can do… Well, we do things around on the same level, but I can lift and push objects around better than you. So I don't even need your help."

"Well… A fortune-teller can't be a fortune-teller without a crystal ball! And guess what I goooot??? A White Gem! Two of these babies can buy a Farina!" Ori pulled out a huge gem the size of her fist from her scarf, and waggled it in front of Hector's face in order to tempt him.

Hector was impressed, yet suspicious. And now the suspicion was taking over the impressed-ness. "Hey, those things even in Ostia are considered rare, and how come you have one then? You're just some lowly tactician… student… thing." Ori cleared her throat nervously and mumbled something that Hector didn't quite catch.

"What you say?"

Ori hmphed and crossed her arms. "FINE. I STOLE IT FROM THE DEAD BODY OF ELIWOOD'S DAD. THERE. I ADMIT IT."

Hector shuddered and gasped like a little girl. "You shouldn't do those kinds of things! That's, that's like, GRAVE ROBBING. Only the person isn't even IN the grave yet, which make it even worse! Have you no morals woman???"

Ori twitched. "Look, do you want it or not???"

"Okay, fine. Be that way. But the only way you're going to be my sidekick is to hide under the table, got it?" Ori nodded enthusiastically, looking for the all world that she WASN'T demonic.

So now that he got his crystal ball, his sidekick, what possibly else could he need? Yes, a table, but getting a table would be boring, so we're gonna skip that part.

A Few Minutes Later…

Hector was sitting happily in front of a table with a bright yellow tablecloth. Ori scrutinized Hector carefully before flipping Hector's cape over his head to create a half-assed hood of some kind. She then slammed the White Gem on to the table and scurried under it. Little did Hector know that Ori also had her trusty laptop with her as well.

As Hector was waiting, he noticed that not many people were coming for some reason. Of course, they gave him a lot of strange glances, but no one came. Hector looked around puzzled, for who didn't want their fortune told? Just as Hector was puzzling away, Matthew popped out of the third handily-placed-bush yet.

"Whatcha doin' Master Hector?"

"Fortune-telling. I'm hoping to earn some pin money, you know, go out into the world and start my own little business! But no one's coming." Hector let out a long lengthy sigh and put his head in his hands as he waited forlornly.

Matthew tutted and shook his head. "Poor Master Hector. Don't worry! I'll advertise for you Master Hector! I'm behind you all the way!" And then he scampered off, screaming how amaaaazing Hector's business was.

After about five minute, Hector's first customer came. It was Nino sucking on a Popsicle. "Lord Hector! I don't know what's the Mystery Flavor, Matthew said you could help me."

Hector's bored and droopy ears perked up. "Why of course Nino! Just hand the Popsicle over for a little bit and I'll tell you when I'm finished!" Nino willingly obliged, not knowing what her dear Popsicle was in for.

Hector grabbed the Popsicle and turned around, hiding the Popsicle from view. He then proceeded to attack it with his psychic-ness, but failed. "Hmm, must not work on inanimate objects…" Of course, then he did the next best thing, actually tasting it.

As Nino waited unknowingly, Hector licked the Popsicle. He then thought about for a while, thinking of all the Popsicles he had ate at a child. Finally, he decided on a flavor.

"Nino, the voices tell me that it's Green Apple. Now, can you hand me my 60 gold?" Hector held out the Popsicle in one hand, and held the other hand out, waiting for Nino to pay up. Nino happily gave him her money, and ran off with her Popsicle.

Shortly after Nino left, a jittery looking Heath came up and dumped a random number of gold onto Hector's collection jar. "H-Hey, Lord Hector, can you tell me how to make Legault, Bern, and the Tactician stop stalking me? Because I KNOW this stress isn't good for my nerves…"

Hector blinked. He felt sorry for the poor man, for being stalked wasn't fun. Being stalked by a thief was something he could relate with, and it was just freaking SCARY. But this guy has a thief, a communistic country, and a crazy lady on speed after him. He knew meddling in these kinds of affairs will come back and bite him on the rear end one day, so he left it to Ori.

Hector ducked under the table for a brief moment told her that Heath had come. The laugh she uttered didn't ring properly through his bones, but he shuddered anyways. Ori smirked and whispered,

"Tell him to go to the Tactician's tent at 4:00 PM. And, tell him that Priscilla is actually a PRINCESS."

Hector blinked, but he was a good boy and did what he was told. He popped back up and said, "Um, the voices tell me to go to the Tactician's tent at four, and, um, they also told me to tell you that Priscilla's a princess of some sort."

Heath's eyes widened. "N-No!!! I have to go to the scary lady's tent AND my precious Priscilla's a princess??? This is too much for my nerves!!!" And then he fainted.

Whispered voices screaming "Score!" came from both under the table and in the handily-placed-bush that Matthew was in, but now it contained a certain lavender-haired thief. Then suddenly Legault ran out, grabbed the unconscious Heath by both arms, and dragged him away to who-knows-where.

Hector blinked, not really understanding what just happened here, but he shrugged it off once more and resumed his waiting. Ori, meanwhile, was retyping up all that happened and will happen with her magic laptop under the table. You have to feel sorry for them.

* * *

AN: Okay, I changed my mind. I WILL continue this. But that's probably just an empty threat, because the motivation is truly lacking in my upper story. Review if you feel like it, just so you know, reviews give me motivation. 


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